It’s funny because I don’t know what I want to do with my life and I’m in the season of having to figure that out, but I could see myself making ballet my life & traveling & I love the feeling of being on stage & dancing. But I could also see myself pursuing theatre and I’d kill to be on broadway & live in New York but Im also incredibly interested in law & criminal justice & or to be in the FBI is basically one of the craziest things I could ever imagine getting to do. Or phototgraphy, i have a passion for that and its enjoyable for me. But man, The idea of moving to another country for he rest of my life & telling people about The Lord & depending on him & even if it means dying for my faith, Im willing, I’m ready. I am SO willing and ready.
So this afternoon I had a pretty tough conversation where I essentially lost a close friendship, which led to me having a pretty bad mindset for a while just about life in general. But this whole summer, and I mean this WHOLE summer, I’ve been begging God to reveal himself & his plans to me & shake me, and I realized that’s exactly what happened. And I am so grateful. I was at the point where I was putting my relationships with other people over my relationship with The Lord, and I didn’t even realize it. Davis came over for a while tonight, & man I needed that. We walked around the streets for about an hour & just talked & prayed & he let me be sad & angry & joyful & I am just so grateful for that friendship. I’ve been so busy dwelling on the friendships that didnt work out that I was totally forgetting about the ones like this that are far more than I deserve. The Lord has seriously blessed me with so many Godly friendships that I don’t give any thanks for, but I am incredibly thankful. Incredibly. & I’m so happy because I’m at the point where I feel like I’m in the place God wants me to be & I can wholeheartedly focus on Him, and y’all, God is so good. God is so good. I love Him.
Oh man oh man, I’m falling apart. In 2012 one of my best friends died in a car wreck, and tonight I went to his sisters wedding, and I thought I’d be ok but oh wow I’m not. I miss him so much it physically hurts. Their dad is a pastor so her wedding was held in the chapel where his funeral was held too, and I’ve comepletely avoided that place until tonight, and all I can think about is seeing his casket and how it’s so unfair that I get to go to his sisters wedding and he doesn’t. And how he should have been up there with the rest of the family and how he never even got to see their engagement. And his younger brother looks just like him and it kills me. I miss Hayden so much oh man I miss him and how his eyes would always disappear when he’d laugh and when someone else has eyes like him I automatically like them because they remind me of him but I keep forgetting things about him and I hate myself for that because he was so important to me and how on earth could I forget things about him. I haven’t seen his face in two years and I’m scared to visit his grave because it hurts way too much and I don’t know how to let go of this. I feel like I’m collapsing crap I MISS HIM. I want him back. I want him back. I don’t know why he had to go. I just want him back.
Man, I really screwed myself over having feelings for you.
I wish my feelings were more consistant. or consistant at all.
nope, I wish I did! I’m from louisiana(: